Twilight: New Moon C

Twilight: New Moon is a glacially paced teen romance that will give its devoted fans a few moments to scream with delight and its critics even more ammunition to shake their heads and scrunch up their noses with scorn.
Harry Potter seems like Masterpiece Theater compared to this overwraught fantasy that is sadly devoid of tension. And every time the film threatens to gain some momentum it grinds to a screeching halt so Bella and Edward can gaze longingly at each other and recite some groan inducing romantic dialogue that will be music to the ears of a 12 year old, but should inspire shudders from adults who know better.

The big addition this time around is the werewolves. For reasons entirely unclear, they all dress like the biggest douchebags at a party school frat party. Shirtless meatheads clad in matching jean shorts wearing the same look of empty headed constipation.

The film has elements that should have been more of a payoff. The budding love triangle with Bella caught between a vampire and a werewolf, the war between the vampires and the new pack of werewolves. But the werewolves are done in by some actually pretty shoddy looking cgi effects.

Kristen Stewart as Bella is a vacuum of charisma. Her largely blank expression, and stuttering delivery add up to a big pile of blah. Looking bored doesn't make you look soul-full. Robert Pattinson at least tries to show some inner torment, but he too often just stands back looking hurt. Lautner wears a look of constipated discomfort throughout. The lack of charisma in the two leads becomes even more apparent in their one scene with British actor Michael Sheen. He plays the head of a vampire council and he gets more out of his brief screen time than they do in the whole film.

In the theater full of screaming 12 year old girls and their mothers that I saw this film in I heard roughly 3 gasps of delight. One at the title. A second at the instance when hunk of the moment Taylor Lautner takes off his shirt for the first time.
And a third at the final scene which contains a big reveal that I won't spoil for the unfortunate few who have doomed themselves to experiencing this vortex of suckitude for themselves.

The film contains a fangirl's dream scene when Bella hits her head after falling off a motorbike. Jacob runs over and takes off his shirt to wipe the blood off her brow. This film gives its fans exactly what they want and is likely to leave anyone who hasn't drunk this particular brand of kool-aid shaking their heads.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon C

"It doesn't make sense for you to love me." I know what she means.