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Hello All,
Due to the redesign of cbschicago.com, you can now read all my past reviews and future reviews at this link
http://chicago.cbslocal.com/tag/cantankerous-critic/
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Reviews Now On CBS2chicago.com
The cantankerous critic's web reviews have a new home:
on cbs2chicago.com/moviereviews
on cbs2chicago.com/moviereviews
Monday, March 29, 2010
Clash Of The Titans
The remake of "Clash of the Titans" takes a film that wasn't really all that good to begin with and manages to make it considerably worse. This big budget remake manages to suffer by comparison not only with the original, but even with the recent teen adventure series "Percy Jackson."
He's the son of zeus, but when we first meet him as a baby, he rises up from the depths of sea in a wooden box.
Which made me wonder, isn't this really poseideon's territory?
he grows up the son of a human fisherman until the soldiers of argos anger the gods, and hades (an embarassed looking ralph fieness who speaks like he's got a cough drop stuck in his throat) smashes the family boat and kills his entire family.
Liam neeson manages to look sillier and even more ashamed of his participation in what is clearly brainless schlock than sir laurence olivier famously felt about his role in the original. and ralph fiennes doesn't fare any better as hades.
Sam Worthington takes on the role of persius. Only instead of harry hamlin's bewildered pretty boy, worthington plays him as a petulent brat. he spends most of the movie denying the gifts the gods have given him, only delaying the inevitible because we all know he's going to use that magic sword and pegaseus eventually.
The script is a cliche o'matic that seems like it could have written by a computer. everyone speaks as though their next line could be a cathphrase. But the film is essentially a trip through the special effects department. but they don't add up to much either. Most of the monsters are just a big nebulous blob of scales and noise that are hard to really make out and don't have much personality and there's nothing to really dazzle or frighten us. The kraken's big finale manages to be a success almost by default because it's not quite as ineptly staged and directed as the others.
this film fails in almost every way. it doesn't work as a loving tribute to the original because the film makers don't bother to get the details right. For example, in the original the scorpions appear after calibous pierces a bag with the head of medusa inside and her blood spills on the ground. Here calibous' own blood causes the scorpions to go nuts. but in the next scene they've inexplicably been tamed into playful pachyderms.
He's the son of zeus, but when we first meet him as a baby, he rises up from the depths of sea in a wooden box.
Which made me wonder, isn't this really poseideon's territory?
he grows up the son of a human fisherman until the soldiers of argos anger the gods, and hades (an embarassed looking ralph fieness who speaks like he's got a cough drop stuck in his throat) smashes the family boat and kills his entire family.
Liam neeson manages to look sillier and even more ashamed of his participation in what is clearly brainless schlock than sir laurence olivier famously felt about his role in the original. and ralph fiennes doesn't fare any better as hades.
Sam Worthington takes on the role of persius. Only instead of harry hamlin's bewildered pretty boy, worthington plays him as a petulent brat. he spends most of the movie denying the gifts the gods have given him, only delaying the inevitible because we all know he's going to use that magic sword and pegaseus eventually.
The script is a cliche o'matic that seems like it could have written by a computer. everyone speaks as though their next line could be a cathphrase. But the film is essentially a trip through the special effects department. but they don't add up to much either. Most of the monsters are just a big nebulous blob of scales and noise that are hard to really make out and don't have much personality and there's nothing to really dazzle or frighten us. The kraken's big finale manages to be a success almost by default because it's not quite as ineptly staged and directed as the others.
this film fails in almost every way. it doesn't work as a loving tribute to the original because the film makers don't bother to get the details right. For example, in the original the scorpions appear after calibous pierces a bag with the head of medusa inside and her blood spills on the ground. Here calibous' own blood causes the scorpions to go nuts. but in the next scene they've inexplicably been tamed into playful pachyderms.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Repo Men D+
Repo Men is what happens when you take a pretty dumb idea to begin with and simply repeat it over and over and over again over the course of nearly two hours. The setting is the near future, and the old organ donor lists are a thing of the past. Instead developments in technology have led to a private company supplying sick people with artificial hearts, lungs, kidneys, ears and whatever other body part that might go on the fritz. But if you fall behind on the payments, then you'll see a Repo Man like Jude Law come to your house to reclaim the company's property.
So we get a lot of scenes with Jude Law and his partner Forest Whitaker breaking into people's homes so they can cut out their livers right there on the spot while the victim screams in agony and blood spatters everywhere. Whitaker even does a quickie in a taxi in the middle of a family barbeque.
Sprinkled throughout are some flashes of dark humor that suggest the movie that might have been. The organ company has a retail store in the mall with a guy in a dancing lung costume. But the film never finds a second beat beyond the initial monty python esque "excuse me can we have your liver" scenes. Instead it degenerates into a ridiculous series of chases that culminates in a bizarre misguided sex/surgery scene where Law and his lover on the run perform open heart surgery on each other to wipe their names out of the company's system. Lots of far more interesting threads are left dangling or just dropped altogether in favor of the more conventional action scenes. Jude Law won some goodwill back with his fine work with Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes. But this film suggests he's back to his old ways of forgettable mediocrities.
So we get a lot of scenes with Jude Law and his partner Forest Whitaker breaking into people's homes so they can cut out their livers right there on the spot while the victim screams in agony and blood spatters everywhere. Whitaker even does a quickie in a taxi in the middle of a family barbeque.
Sprinkled throughout are some flashes of dark humor that suggest the movie that might have been. The organ company has a retail store in the mall with a guy in a dancing lung costume. But the film never finds a second beat beyond the initial monty python esque "excuse me can we have your liver" scenes. Instead it degenerates into a ridiculous series of chases that culminates in a bizarre misguided sex/surgery scene where Law and his lover on the run perform open heart surgery on each other to wipe their names out of the company's system. Lots of far more interesting threads are left dangling or just dropped altogether in favor of the more conventional action scenes. Jude Law won some goodwill back with his fine work with Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes. But this film suggests he's back to his old ways of forgettable mediocrities.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Our Family Wedding D-
Our Family Wedding could easily be titled "My Big Fat Dysfunctional Interracial Wedding." And it's one of the most racist, laugh free experiences I've had in quite some time. The film has lines like "love doesn't know how to tell time" that seem like they were rejects from the "Valentine's Day" script. And that's paired with a non-stop barage of ugly racist stereotypes.
Apparently in this movie's world, racist jokes are o-k as long as it's one minority telling jokes about another minority. No mexican stereotype is too old or two outdated to come into play here. I half expected the frito bandito and speedy gonzalez be part of the horn section of the mariachi band. But I guess what else do you expect from Carlos Mencia.
Only "ugly betty's America Ferrara emerges with some of her dignity intact, while poor Forest Whitaker gets stuck being humped by a viagra crazed goat. What a shame.
Apparently in this movie's world, racist jokes are o-k as long as it's one minority telling jokes about another minority. No mexican stereotype is too old or two outdated to come into play here. I half expected the frito bandito and speedy gonzalez be part of the horn section of the mariachi band. But I guess what else do you expect from Carlos Mencia.
Only "ugly betty's America Ferrara emerges with some of her dignity intact, while poor Forest Whitaker gets stuck being humped by a viagra crazed goat. What a shame.
Remember Me F
Remember Me promises to be a thoughtful drama full of interesting characters, real relationships, and genuine human emotions but instead what we get is robbert pattinson acting like an insenstive jerk. Pattinson stars as a mopey college student full of disdain, contempt, and cynicism about the world. I have to say I felt exactly the same way about this movie. Pattinson is insufferable to be around for more than 5 mintues, but the film treats him like a prophet imparted with wisdom from on high. and then it commits the unforgivable sin of making him into a martyr by putting him in the twin towers on september 11th. this is one of the most cynical, manipulative, and despicable films I've seen in a long time. I hated hated hated hated this one.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Alice In Wonderland B-
Tim Burton's "Alice In Wonderland" is pretty much what you would expect from the master of the macabre humor. Burton has eschewed the candy colored Disney animated vision of the past and highlighted the off putting cragginess of the Wonderland of the original books. This is a dark and legitimately scary place full of things that don't work the way you think they're supposed to.
Burton has turned Alice into a late teen, and given her a message of girl power. Once she's down the rabbit hole she soon runs into Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter. Depp certainly highlights the insanity of the character. So instead of a delightful eccentric we get someone who seems genuinely off his rocker with a shock of bright red hair, and almost as much makeup as his willy wonka. Helena Bonham Carter seems to be having a grand old time as the queen of hearts with her digitally enlarged head and a fondness for beheading.
The effects are fun to watch, and what the story lacks in surprises it largely makes up for in the sheer look of the picture. If you already have a beloved adaptation of the classic book, this won't do anything to dislodge it from your hearts and memories. But It's a unique vision that deserves to be judged on its own terms.
Alice In Wonderland: B-
Burton has turned Alice into a late teen, and given her a message of girl power. Once she's down the rabbit hole she soon runs into Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter. Depp certainly highlights the insanity of the character. So instead of a delightful eccentric we get someone who seems genuinely off his rocker with a shock of bright red hair, and almost as much makeup as his willy wonka. Helena Bonham Carter seems to be having a grand old time as the queen of hearts with her digitally enlarged head and a fondness for beheading.
The effects are fun to watch, and what the story lacks in surprises it largely makes up for in the sheer look of the picture. If you already have a beloved adaptation of the classic book, this won't do anything to dislodge it from your hearts and memories. But It's a unique vision that deserves to be judged on its own terms.
Alice In Wonderland: B-
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