The Vampire's Assistant

On my way to the theater to see "Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant" I first saw a group of kids practicing what looked like the "Thriller" dance in Lincoln Park, and then I saw a hapless assistant knock over an entire display in the front window of the Crate and Barrel on Michigan Avenue. Both of those vignettes contained more pure entertainment than anything I saw on screen that night.

The bland teen protagonist Darren is played by newcomer Chris Massoglia.
He delivers every line in a sort of frozen monotone unsure of exactly what he's supposed to feel and why. It's like David Schwimmer trying to do Dostoevsky.
He and his equally bland best friend attend a traveling freak show full of weirdos, creepy crawly critters, and a 200 year old vampire masquerading as a harmless vaudevillian played by John C. Reilly. He has the scripts only good lines and they are few and far between.

When Darren makes off with the vampire's pet spider, it sets in motion a chain of events that lead to Darren becoming a half vampire and joining the circus to save the life of his best bud.

The film is based on a popular series of books, and it seems intended to be the first of a series.
But based on what I saw this is likely to be the last installment for a long long time. One of the chief problems here is that it seems to spend all of its time setting up what will happen later, but it never gives us much reason to be interested now.

Director Chris Weitz doesn't seem to have a clue how to handle the material. He's not sure if its supposed to be scary, or funny. And at times he seems to be hoping that a well placed pop song will communicate what he seems to be fumbling for.
Willem Dafoe, and Salma Hayek turn up briefly but are wasted in tiny roles that have nothing for them to offer. And none of the freaks make much of an impression beyond their (by now) run of the mill cgi wizardry.

For every Twilight that inexplicably strikes a chord, there are a hundred freaks that just fall flat and leave their fans with nothing but disappointment.

"Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant:" C-